Depression does its job delightfully. It strips you of happiness in your mind. The place when you were a kid that you could retreat to, the happy place that your parents and educators and elders told you to find, is gone. You search for it. You try to find it. All you end up discovering is more reasons to fuel your depression.
The whole process is pathetic. It is. It's sad and stupid and pathetic. And that makes you feel even worse about being depressed. Because it's dumb and in turn you feel dumb. This makes you more depressed. You become depressed about being depressed, dragging you deeper into depression.
Where does it end? I don't know. Actually, that's a lie. I do know. I know where it ends. It only ends in one place. That one place is death. The depression dies or you do. That's the way it is. Which is stronger? You ask yourself. You. You are stronger, or at least, you should be stronger than depression. Because what is depression? An ideal, an illness, a mental "hang up", or a disease? Whatever it is, you should be stronger than it, right? Yes. You should be. And your mind knows this. You know you should be able to beat it. So why can't you? You don't know. It's like climbing Mount Everest, if Mount Everest never came to a peak that is. You just keep forging on, thinking that your struggle will result in victory. You'll get to the root of this, you assure yourself. But you never can. You don't know how. You can't know how. Maybe this depression is stronger than you. No. No. No. That can't be.
But it's true. Depression versus you, mono a mono, in a deathmatch, means the death of you. Every time. You can't beat it. You really can't. Why? Because you convince yourself you enjoy being sad. You write better prose when you're sad. You think better when you're sad. You certainly don't want to be cheery all the time. Yea, that's why you're sad and depressed and fairly miserable.
But all of it's not true. There's a cure. That cure is love from people. It is. It is.
Nothing else does it. Love kills that depression. It drowns all the rationality and common sense of depression with nonsensical feel good crap. You start to feel better. You are happier. You make others happier. Others want to be around you more. It's the dream. And you're living it.
Not yet tho. Depression doesn't want you around other people. You don't need them. They wouldn't understand. You just don't want to be bothered. Whatever you tell yourself is just a lie. It's crap. But you think it's true. People really are annoying and dumb. Yea. That's why you're alone. It's not true. You need people. You need that love. It pulls you out of depression's suffocating recurring cycle.
But why do we believe this lie so readily, the lie that depression tells us? Because, the drug companies love it. They tell us that since everyone is sad or depressed or anxious at one time or another, that it's OK for some of us to be depressed all the time. And if we don't like it, there's nothing wrong with us, but we should think about going on a pill. A pill? Why? So I can think different. I need a pill to think for me? No sir. No thanks. I'd rather have other people think for me than some pill that I have to pay for and take daily. At least I can yell at that person, joke with them, blame them for my shortcomings. Can I do that with a pill? Uh uh.
Seriously tho, I don't need a pill. And I don't need other people to think for me. I need to think for myself.
And here's the real problem. Here's the bottom of depression: fear. A fear to be your own person. You're afraid to think on your own. Afraid to make your own decisions. Depression paralyzes. It immobilizes. You can't think. You can't act. You're sad and tired and don't want to be bothered.
You have to help yourself tho. You have to go out and trust that people aren't out to paralyze you like your own mind is out to do so. That saying that says the mind is a great slave but a terrible master is absolutely true. Your mind will enslave you. You won't know what to think about. You'll think about it all. You won't act on any impulse. You'll rationalize and reason every risk away. All the fun you could have, you'll reason away. And that's no way to live. With no fun, no impulse, no irrationality. No thanks.
Lose the angst. Lose the fear. Be your own person. Learn from your mistakes. And don't be afraid to make some. Don't be afraid. "Fear not." That's what God was saying. We're afraid. But He makes us strong. That's because Good things make us strong. When we do good things, when we're around good things, we get stronger. It makes us more confident. Stronger. And strong people think for themselves. Strong people make things happen. Weak people let things happen to them and then they react. Depression is their reaction. Life sucks. Well, yea, life does suck when it's happening to you.
Go make it happen instead. Love life and it'll love you back.
